


burning a hole through my heart

by orphan_account



Series: 2nd POV Drabbles [8]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Aaaand here we go again I hope you enjoy it because at least something good comes out of it then, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 20:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4934458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Summary:</b> You're his friend and he's yours, but you can't help wanting more<br/>-<br/>“You know,” he tells you one night when you’re both sleep-deprived. “If she hadn’t been here I’d probably be in love with you.”</p><p>You cry yourself to sleep that night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	burning a hole through my heart

**Author's Note:**

> you will read this and it will ruin our friendship but it’s 1am right now and i’m just so tired and i can’t not talk about it anymore and i’m sorry i’m like this i hope you forgive me i’m so sorry

Your fingers are rapidly tapping against the screen of your phone right now, nails making a clicking sound as they collide with the glass. It’s always awkward when you become friends with someone new, but you have to tell him. He has the right to know.

‘ _you don’t understand_ ,’ you send to him. ‘ _if you become my friend it’s pretty much guaranteed that i’ll fall in love with you_.’

The ‘is typing’ promptly disappears from the top of the screen and you immediately regret telling him. You can feel the tension through the screen, your fingers trembling and your heart pounding in your ears.

‘ _that won’t happen_ ,’ he sends back, like he knows what he’s talking about. You laugh bitterly at that; you know it will.

‘ _it will though. because it always happens_.’ 

The subject quickly changes after that. You don’t tell him about being demisexual, because he wouldn’t understand.

 

* * * * *

 

You have a free period and none of your friends are there. It sucks. What mostly sucks is that he’s not in your friend group anymore, but you can deal with that. At least he still talks to you.

He’s talking to you now anyways. He’s in class but apparently you’re more important to him than learning. The thought fills you with warmth.

‘ _you know what_ ,’ he says. ‘ _i think i’m bisexual_.’

Everything stops for a second, energy buzzing inside of you as your heart beats fast, a constant pounding in your ears.

‘ _and_ ,’ he continues. ‘ _i’m in love with someone. a girl_.’

You don’t tell him when the tears start streaming down your face, when your breathing accelerates and everything becomes too much. You just keep telling him how proud you are of him for telling you that, for being open about it. You just keep being a supportive friend.

Even if it hurts. Because that’s what a friend does.

 

* * * * * 

 

You don’t talk about your obvious attraction to him. You’re always watching him, the way he shifts when he talks and the way his eyes light up when he laughs. The way he smiles at you and mock-glares at you when you poke his side and he runs away crying with laughter.

You’re almost sure he knows. You hope he hasn’t forgotten the conversation from months ago that you were too scared to have face to face.

But really, you should’ve known better. Because he keeps touching you and keeps returning your weird gestures of affection and you know he’s in love with someone else but you love him so much it hurts.

It’s not even your fault you freak out this time. Kellin Quinn’s voice screaming away about love in the distance just makes something burst inside of you until the tears are streaming down your face and your nails dig into your palms.

You know you shouldn’t talk about this on Tumblr, because he follows you there, he knows you’re demisexual and he pretty much stalks your blog, but you do anyway.

So when he asks you if you want to Skype, of course you say yes.

“I know,” he says. “I’ve known for the past couple of weeks.”

That makes you want to cry and shout at the same time. You can’t comprehend how much he’s been unintentionally been playing with you, because he’s just been returning everything and giving you mixed signals even though you rationally know there’s nothing mixed about it.

 

* * * * * 

 

It doesn’t ruin your friendship, and you’re eternally glad for that. He gets even closer to you, keeps hugging and part of you chastises yourself for yearning for a comfort that you know he can’t give you.

“You know,” he tells you one night when you’re both sleep-deprived. “If she hadn’t been here I’d probably be in love with you.”

You cry yourself to sleep that night.

 

* * * * * 

 

You’ve told him about maybe being asexual, about how you’ve never had the urge to kiss someone and he’s totally okay with it. You’re glad he accepts you with little to no questions and it makes the inside of your chest ache.

The next time he’s over you end up poking his side again. It’s one of the little things you do just to touch him.

He runs away from you and you back him against the wall until there’s nowhere left he can go.

You look up and he's smiling down at you, his eyes twinkling with laughter and all you want to do is grab his shirt and pull him down until he kisses you. It makes you look away guiltily because you know he doesn't like you that way but sometimes it feels like he does.

You pretend like nothing happened and you’re glad that people can be dense at times.

 

* * * * * 

 

Reading is your favourite pastime. You do it for hours on end until you end your eyes slide shut and you fall asleep.

As with all teenage novels, the main character falls in love with another main character and they kiss.

You slam the book shut when you feel the ghost sensation of lips on yours and it makes you realise how far gone you are.

You never tell him about it and you probably never will.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry this is just a thing i wrote really quickly and no one has beta’d it and it probably really sucks but i’m just so tired please forgive me
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](http://demisexualhowell.tumblr.com)


End file.
